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Post by Metal Drive on Feb 23, 2019 20:59:34 GMT
It was definitely painful.
Guru could see it quite plainly, that wrought, shocked, and terrified expression spreading wide across Holly's face. She immediately hunkered down, shivering, gritting and cradling her head as it all came back to her, the terrible experience wracking right through her frame. As Holly pulled back, and gripped the side of her head, remembering both the Impmon and her own atrocity in Tenebrous, the Reppamon looked on in concern.
The weasel, sympathetic to her pain, carefully picked his next words:
"Deep breaths." He offered her a pillow to grasp, rather than to tear at the side of her head. "Just hang on for a minute longer. I know its bad, but when its all back? Tell me what happened."
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Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2019 21:11:42 GMT
The meicoomon sat there, cradling her head wincing as the memories continued to flow in. She had done such... terrible things hadn't she? She had finished the job even with dark being dead. She had managed to pull herself together but broke down after it had done. Finishing more than just that. When she had pieced herself together she came to tenebrous.
And she broke even further. She felt her stomach crawl and shift and she'd grip harder at her head. She'd grab at that pillow when offered, taking in slow deep breaths as he told her to. Then he wanted to know what happened, the meicoomon froze for a moment and eased out a long soft exhalation that ended with her flopping on the bed pillow over her head while she let out a long tortured scream muffled by the same pillow he had handed her. After maybe a minute she'd remove the pillow, tears still cascading down her cheeks.
"This... box... is back.. y-yes... I... I did a job in... in... Terminus... some kingpin or whatever.... me... dark... iris... We were doing so well... but when we got there... he... they... they killed him and... I.. I broke... I... I killed them, I killed their body guards... I killed everyone there... and... and then I just... broke... broke down..."
She'd manage out a choked gasp and rubbed at her head, feeling those claw marks slowly knit up thanks to her bodies crazy ability once again. She'd bite on her lower lip and clench her eyes shut.
"Then... there was some pickpocket and... and... I... I chased after him and... and... I hurt people... I... I... I was hungry but... nothing tasted right so I wasn't feeding properly... and it just... tasted wrong... and then pain. Real pain and then... just... here..."
What more was there? She was stuttering, crying and still managing to push out the words. But near the end she practically broke down; shoving her face into that pillow and just sobbing as her tendrils flicked worthlessly...
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Post by Metal Drive on Feb 23, 2019 21:30:01 GMT
Of course it was bad.
But to hear that it was that bad? Guru gave a blink as Holly told that story, through deep sobs and a sorrowful tone, his ear flicking as he heard that Dark had died. It was no wonder that Holly managed to snap. As Cassandra had feared, it had all boiled up, and when it finally became too much?
The MeiCrackmon reverted to her instincts.
"Holly..."
Damn it, what was he supposed to do? Their responsibility was to get Holly off of the streets, and for at least a while, to keep her down here. And because the memories had been sealed consistently, to protect Holly's psyche, she had no idea how to deal with a situation like this.
She was still a child, after all.
When you're ready to talk, I'm here.
Guru simply gave that thought to himself, and let Holly cry. She had to get it out, to feel that emotion run through without anyone forcing her heart, forcing her mind. Until she could accept the 'reality' of the situation, and not the illusion brought forth by sealing away those 'boxes'? She'd be left on a dangerous path.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2019 21:50:53 GMT
Holly didn't know what to do. She had no idea what to do in this situation, she had never lost someone before. Never watched them digitize in front of her face, never had to cope with the loss of someone that would never come back. But she couldn't get rid of these emotions, they ruled her at this point, she felt her face grow puffy, her voice get hoarse from crying. She'd push her head into that pillow harder and harder and eventually she'd just flop uselessly on the bed the pillow itself falling to one side while she sat there breathlessly weeping.
What do I do....?
She was confused, scared, sad, she felt alone in an odd sense of the word. She had failed but also had succeeded. She had done so much in an effort to protect everyone but there was also the fact she had snapped. She'd sit there staring at the ceiling as she felt her tears mostly dry up and she'd gulp down some 'fresh' breaths of air before slowly sitting up rubbing at her face with either paw. There were still some tears that were coming out and it was hard for her to really concentrate at the task at hand but...
"Guru.... am... am... Am I monster...?"
She was frightened of the answer, frightened of what she had done. What she was capable of. She felt beyond nervous and didn't know what to do with all the information here. She wanted to throw up, she wanted to cry and she wanted to just curl up in a ball... But she just found herself hugging at herself, unsure of how to comfort the little bit that she had left. That bright bubbly exterior that she normally kept was no where to be found and she didn't know if it was going to come back.
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Post by Metal Drive on Feb 23, 2019 23:43:27 GMT
The loss of childhood innocence.
Seeing it practically crumble before his eyes, Guru felt his own heart sink. Yes, Holly made a mistake, left in the throes of her own emotions. Considering the situation, it was understandable - but it didn't make it any easier for Holly to take in the pain. She was stuck between grieving for Dark and being scared of herself, of that 'hooded' monster she saw in her visions.
And as she asked that question, Guru took a moment to answer.
"... If you're still able to question it, you're not a monster."
The Reppamon spoke from the heart, stepping up to the bed, resting a paw at Holly's side. "We're Digimon. Many of us are able to turn into giant, violent monsters, but we're also 'us', through and through. You were grieving for a friend, you were using your anger. You've never had to deal with either - and yes, you dealt with it poorly."
That said?
"Its not a matter of if you're a monster or not. Holly - are you willing to be the 'best you can be'?"
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2019 0:08:15 GMT
It was something that she could likely never recover.
Holly didn't know it but she had lost something that many would of loved to see her keep for a long time. Something that she had lost into the woes of violence, spite, anger and loss. She felt the wretched grip on her heart of all those things and it honestly scared her beyond anything she could believe. Hearing guru's answer she'd flick her ears and look up at him sniffling a bit.
"...Really...?"
She'd blink a few times seeing that paw resting near her and she'd take a moment to hug at the weasel. Still sniffling quietly as he spoke. They were able to turn into giant violent monsters? Well. She knew that, she was able to turn into a bigger version of herself. They were still 'them' even if they had evolved like that. She had used her grief and anger to deal with it, rather poorly. She'd rub her face, trying to still stop the tears that were pouring out of her eyes. Then came his question. Was she still willing to be the best she could be?
"....Y-yes... I.. yes. I am."
There was a shaky level of confidence in her voice, mixed with the grief. The anger and the sadness that was pouring through her body like a demon. She'd gulp quietly still finding those tears coming and coming, it was annoying really that she couldn't stop them and they just seemed to worsen the longer that she thought about this.
"But... What... what can I do to do that... I... I.."
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Post by Metal Drive on Feb 24, 2019 0:19:01 GMT
"But... What... what can I do to do that... I... I.."
Feeling Holly's brief hug, the Reppamon took a moment to think. Holly was definitely in a fragile state right now, but considering her current situation, Guru could think of a few answers. For one, her current environment was not suited for her - she'd never be able to recover as an assassin.
More than that, though?
"The first thing you have to be able to do is accept yourself."
Guru's voice cut right through, a rare full certainty to his words. "I made a mistake before, with those boxes - and for that, I apologize. But you have to understand that there is now a large part of yourself, the 'you' you denied, deep inside. The Shademon sealed them away to keep you focused, and it kept you happy. I was ignorant in my response."
But he'd help to rectify the mistake.
"The only part you have seen is the 'end'. You haven't been allowed to build up or get used to the environment at all. It might be hard... but we will have to open the rest of these boxes."
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2019 0:27:55 GMT
The meicoomon rubbed her face a few times, trying to stop those tears that just wouldn't stop and it was frustrating in it's entirely. She didn't know that this environment was not suited for her, she had only been to a handful of them and hadn't really gotten settled in anywhere. She'd blink a few times however when he told her that she had to accept herself. She'd look down at her shaking paws, her twitching tendrils and let out a soft uncertain sigh. About to speak up but...
Then he continued. That he made a mistake with those boxes and that she needed to understand that there was a large part of herself that she had been denying. That she had them sealed and that he was ignorant about what the proper answer was. She'd open and close her mouth uncertain at what to say about this. But he continued further still.
They had to open the rest of those boxes
She found her mouth closing tersely and she felt those paws scamper back a bit. She felt her body recoil on it's own, some last vestige of innocence perhaps? Or maybe just she feared what would follow suit. She didn't know how much of those she could handle in one big...
"I..."
She'd grip tightly at her head, closing her eyes and trying to breathe. Just trying to push through all this emotionally pain and this pain that she didn't know how to deal with. She had sealed them away, or the shademon or something but they had to unlock them now? She'd bite at her bottom lip and ease out a long breath.
"Ma said accepting an apology is a good thing, but the rest of that I don't... I don't understand very much of. But... if opening those boxes let me accept myself lets just... Lets... lets go. But mind you I might need to visit the restroom if they're any worse than this one..."
She'd mumble softly pressing at her cheeks in an effort to dredge up a smile. But nothing was really coming up and it hurt to even try to force it, she just felt more tears stream down her face.
"I didn't know what I wanted to be... or what I was... but I don't want to be a monster... But what I don't... don't like what's in those memories?"
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Post by Metal Drive on Feb 24, 2019 0:33:17 GMT
"Heh... your mom's a fine innkeeper to say that. But there's another part to the apology - working to either fix your mistake or working to be better to avoid what you did wrong. Otherwise, its not sincere."
That aside, Holly agreed to open the rest of her boxes. Briefly looking over the Meicoomon, the Reppamon gave a small nod, understanding and patient with her tone. What if she didn't like what she saw?
"Wouldn't you say that run-in with the Seadramon made you a better Digimon?"
Guru questioned Holly, tilting his head slightly. "After all, what are we but a collection of what our memories and experiences are? Your actions, thoughts, and emotions define who you are. To seal part of it away is to make a part of yourself disappear. But that's not fair, to you nor anyone around you."
"Even if you don't like what's there. You should still find out who you are."
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2019 0:39:00 GMT
"....My mom isn't an Innkeeper though? She's a knight. "
There was some confusion to what he said and holly would nod slowly at him telling her that she needed to fix her mistakes or work to be better to avoid doing what was wrong. She'd frown slightly however as those memories would just be... those jobs? So how could she even... she'd shake her head slightly and take what the reppamon said to heart. Then he approached the seadramon incident. She'd put a hand to her mouth and hummed thoughtfully.
"I'd say it made me more protective of my big sis... but... I. Hmm. I'd say so?"
There was a furrowing of her brow and she'd considering what he followed through with. What were they other than a collection of memories and experiences? Well they were data... and. Wait no that was a rhetorical question she didn't need to answer. He continued forward saying that to seal it away was to make a part of her dissapear. Which wasn't fair to her or others. She'd bite her lower lip and slowly nod.
"That... makes sense. I hadn't really thought about them or that to be honest cause I.. didn't know they were there. But... all right Guru lets... lets get started right...?"
She doubted even if she didn't want to that she would get away with leaving those boxes sealed. Maybe with those unlocked she'd better understand that assassin Meicrackmon that was inside of her head. Or perhaps she would find that she disagreed with them fiercely... it was hard to tell.
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Post by Metal Drive on Feb 24, 2019 1:03:23 GMT
It was time to get started.
"Alright. We'll start with the oldest and work forward, Holly." Just like he did before, the Reppamon offered his paw for the Meicoomon to take, and as she would take hold of that hand, the chains would rattle once more, the lock clicking open. The first job, of course, was the Myotismon accused of loading high-rollers at the casino.
It was a short and successful operation, one where Holly would meet a much calmer version of that black furred assassin - as well as several things she would have forgotten in the aftermath. Holly had complained a lot about the taste of alcohol in her system, and struggled with trying to vent the data for the first time. The planning and act itself returned in vivid detail, but so did the aftermath...
... As well as that discussion with the Shademon, about removing these memories.
To remain gentle. To stay positive. To keep her heart in tact.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2019 1:08:23 GMT
"Makes sense since they'd be the most calm right?"
The meicoomon reached forward to that hand and felt those mental chains remove themselves off of that box with the reppamon's help. That lock opening and that cascade of memories that came with it. Though they weren't as bad as she thought it was at first. It was pretty simple and she'd tut softly, rubbing at her head with the headache that started up with each of these boxes so far.
So she didn't like the taste of alcohol, nor did she seem to enjoy the data or the attempt at venting the data. It took a lot to get out of her system and the planning along with the act itself is what hit the hardest for her. Making her flinch visibly. She'd widen her eyes a bit at the discussion with the shademon; cursing her idea at the time.
Gentle... positive... keeping my heart...
"What's stopping me from being Gentle or positive? What's stopping me from keeping my heart?"
She'd turn her head to look at guru, her paw tightening against his for a few long moments. She'd bite her lower lip a bit and flick her ears as the scenes played out in her head, albeit a little quicker.
"Even if I still remembered those... it doesn't feel like it was right, all those emotions. All those questions I kept asking myself the whole time..."
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Post by Metal Drive on Feb 24, 2019 1:20:09 GMT
"Unfortunately, these are not questions I'm able to so easily answer. Shall we move onto the second one?"
Guru would give the Meicoomon a nod if she was ready, and the second lock would snap in her ears. This time, the target was a Cherrymon in the Eastern Timberlands - and at a glance, it might have seemed like it was closer to a mission than an assassination. Their goal was to take out this Cherrymon, before he would have a chance to set up a lethal harvest of bloodbark in the depths of the forest.
Out in these woods, Dark wasn't even present. The job was simply between Peck, Holly, and Iris. And at one point in this job, things had already gone wrong - Holly held up in the taut vines of a Lillymon's creation, threatening to tear her apart. In this case, it was the Peckmon who sliced through the plantlife, leaving Holly to deal with the Lillymon as he silently moved on ahead.
Strange - there was a job that had gone this badly in her memory?
Shouldn't she be allowed to learn from her mistakes?
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2019 1:41:32 GMT
"Makes sense... and... yeah. Lets keep going."
Holly would give guru a small nod and that second lock snapped. Making her flinch, though as the memory played out she'd blink owlishly. This one seemed odd; she had never been to the eastern-timberlands before so there was of course plenty of awe and wonder around her recollection. The cherrymon aside she was sort of confused about the location itself.
Hell the mission had gone south at one point making her flinch again, she should really be able to learn from her mistakes. She saw them plenty and that explained the training that came after the job. She'd tut a bit and look down at one of her paws. Extending out the claws and then retracting them after a moment.
"From hiding the job... they also hid me from my mistakes. So I wasn't able to learn... tch... that's oddly foolish.."
She'd mumble softly and shake her head, she felt the heartstrings tugged in there with the wonder and such. She wanted to go back, she wanted to explore. She wanted to see what else was there. She'd grit her teeth a little bit and sit there for a moment, mulling over what she wanted to do so far. She felt that she wanted to go back, she wanted to see what else she affected in that first job. Other things that would line up, other people.
"So many things to learn just from being out and about... and all I was focused on was the job... Lets.. Keep moving."
She wanted to ignore the pressure in her head. She wanted to keep moving, she wanted to keep this headache from overtaking her. And the only way she could would be with the memories that she was opening up.
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Post by Metal Drive on Feb 24, 2019 1:56:44 GMT
"No surprise you were focused on the job... but they wouldn't have been able to erase your memories so completely if you didn't agree."
Holly could hardly wash her hands of all of this - she'd gone through with each job, after all. And so it moved onto the third, the locks snapping to reveal a job in Luminas itself, to eliminate a corrupt angel wanting to make the data holed up in one of the prisons entirely their own, and load every single one of its prisoners. Dark, Holly, and Boss handled this one, and their steps were precise. The only communication they had was with Iris' direct contact with each of them...
... And the sheer weight of this mission was pressing down on all of them. A single mistake or error would have likely meant all three of them would have met the same fate as the prisoners. But through Boss' diligent work, they managed to eliminate the Angemon in his own sleep, the aftermath being described as a haunting ghost story.
Such a success. Maybe Holly would even feel pride with that one.
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