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Post by Toki Akiyama on Sept 29, 2019 6:50:41 GMT
Toki did his best to keep his positive and optimistic outlook, but he'd be lying if he said this wasn't affecting him. It was affecting him more than even he knew. He was just bottling it up inside, and who knows when it will all boil over into something he won't be able to control? The reality of that eventually happening isn't lost on him, which is what worries him the most. He might hurt people close to him if he ever lashed out, and that's the last thing he wanted.
He smiled sweetly at Cion as she considered the words he had said. That's really all he could have asked of her. To push the subject further would just be unfair of him. For now, he figured it was time to move on to other topics of conversation. He shook his head when she asked him if he knew what she had gone through "Not in complete detail, no. I can only imagine all the things you might have seen throughout your lifetimes, or the trials you've had to compete with during them. If it's not something you'd want to think about or recall, I won't force you. The past is the past. We learn from it while we live in the present. The future is infinite, so worrying about it nonstop will just tire us out."
At her request to not overwork himself, he simply chuckled a little. "It's a little late for that...I try my best to be as optimistic and happy for others as possible, but even I have my limits. Even now I can feel myself sort of cracking under the pressure of the loss and what happened at Golden Week." He admitted with a sigh.
He paused for a moment when Cion asked if she could join him on his journeys. He thought about it for a time, but he shook his head "I'm sorry, Cion. There's a lot I need to think about on my own for a while. I need to think about my place in all this and reflect on who I want to be...there's just so much I'm struggling to cope with."
To refuse was difficult, but he thought it was the best course of action for both of them. "I might be angry with myself...sad with myself...struggling to make sense of everything while I come to terms with what's happened. I...haven't given myself the chance to properly mourn either, and that's eating away at me."
Still, he wanted to encourage her "There are still amazing people out there in the Digital World, and I encourage you to seek them out. We could both do with opening our hearts to others a little more than we have. I struggle with accepting the kindness of others in return for my own...and I worry that accepting that makes me less of a good person than I want others to perceive me to be. I don't know, I might be overthinking it. The point of the matter is...we should have some time to reflect on ourselves and the kinds of people we want to be."
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Post by Cion on Sept 29, 2019 8:49:52 GMT
In a strange way, Cion did not share the concerns and doubts that Toki held close to his heart. Amusingly, their feelings were antithetic. While she took unyielding pride and confidence in who she was and what she desired to accomplish, not to mention the sacrifices and losses she had endured and would steel her, she had lost trust in nearly all and everyone else. He on the other hand viewed others and the world itself as inherently good and remediable, but second-guessed himself and his ability to maintain control over the scars that haunted him.
In a sense, the vulpine ascendant had been correct with her previous assertion. They were kindred spirits. Not in unison, but antipode - two sides of the same coin. They coexisted, acknowledged and sometimes heeded the reflection's advice. Yet it was clear, despite their capability and wish to relish intimate togetherness, that their points of view were in conflict. Thesis and antithesis, as Hegel described it. Was synthesis destined to be achieved someday. The notion intrigued her, but also worried her slightly. Ultimately, how and if the result was obtained was completely unknown.
"Same to you." The tiny fennec responded, agreeing with the sentiments shared, yet hoping that the lad adhered to them as well. Though she too did obviously not know every detail of his life and struggles, she had a decent idea given recent events and losings. He seemed partially stuck in the past, believing that pursuing the aspirations of the deceased in the present would help him attain closure and strength for future endeavors. This was a tremendous burden and challenge - something she comprehended on a deeply personal level.
"There is no pressure... just oneself." She commented understandingly with a firm nod as her gaze lingered on the distant stars. Such pain and strain was an innermost scourge, not an outside force. Again, she had learned this recently - relatively speaking. Naturally, it was not easy to relinquish them, but no matter how low her hope at times fell... she refused to abdicate it. She knew what was at stake, hence her selfish aspects had to be appeased through altruism. Everything came from within, therefor it was upon the individual to vanquish their restraints. Cherished friends like the young gentleman could only loosen the shackles, not remove them entirely.
Which was why, although it imposed enormous dismay on her soul to learn that her seemingly petite request was denied, her poise did not waver once more. She had already displayed too much frailty this night... and the boy needed a small victory to regain a bit of resolve. Was her pertinacity in this regard untruthful? Maybe - but perhaps the fact that she did not succumb to the maelstrom of emotions raging behind the mask that was her face was evidence of his actual success. "This is a trial you must overcome on your own. I can relate - no need to apologize." The ancient fox stated truthfully, wishing nothing less then absolute triumph for her companion,
Quietly and motionlessly, Cion listened to Toki's confessions and encouragements. She tried wholeheartedly to have an open ear and mind for them, but the idea of treading this realm alone again, and so soon, consumed the better part of her focus. In the end, did tonight even mean something in the grand scheme of things? She liked to believe so, but what would change? For a few days, this meeting would follow her steps, but eventually enter her subconsciousness.
As if passing through a life, doing a deed and then leaving actually changed it. Problems, especially global ones, were too complex to be solved by this kind of naivety. ... But bending the status quo was a task of incomprehensible magnitude and difficulty; this she had realized and admitted before.
"Hmmm..." She groaned under her breath, frustrated and extremely tired by this constant turmoil - this back and forth that appeared to yield no fruit. "Possibly... you are correct. Insight and reflection might bestead us both." She proposed, somewhat wearily so. Regardless, this was not an action to be taken right away, nor in due time. They evidently required rest and respite. Stretching herself and yawning inaudibly, her head tilted to look Mr. Akiyama in his azure eyes. "May I at least take you home then, darling?"
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Post by Toki Akiyama on Sept 29, 2019 10:15:56 GMT
The two of them had strangely similar yet opposite mindsets. The two of them agreed and disagreed on many things, but they both had viewpoints they could learn from the other. Despite this, the two were still able to refer to each other as friends. This alone, bolstered Toki's belief that just because people think differently, doesn't mean they have to be antagonistic with one another, something that eased a small portion of his scarred heart.
"Is there just oneself though? There's so much that our peers and friends influence in our day to day, but there are indeed some things we need to push through ourselves. Though sometimes there's that pressure to appease others...but working our entire lives to appease only others without taking the time to take care of ourselves will just exhaust us...can't be much help then, can we? Which is, again, why we need to accept the kindness others give us in return for our own kindness."
He smiled softly at Cion's understanding, but he also knew that she was saddened by his decision. "Thank you, Cion. It means a lot that you understand what I'm going through and that this is something I need to do myself." He stood up, stretching "Though I'm going to repeat this until you get it, okay? We're only as alone as we choose to be. If you want to find those to stand by your side..you need to reach out, even if the difficulty of doing so twists and turns your stomach out of anxiety. It's not going to be easy, or pleasant...but sometimes it's necessary."
Deep down he worried if his incessant worrying over Cion's loneliness and isolation was just adding more of a burden to her. He pushed those thoughts away though. He wanted to believe that what he was saying truly helped her find the resolve to give others a chance, difficult as it might have been.
The two of them seemed to have reached the end of their conversation, but Cion asked one final thing of Toki. To take him home. He appreciated it and said "I'd like that, Cion." He could use a portal to go back home, but a nice walk to the local Trailmon station could be good for the two of them. "A walk while we consider what we've talked about." He said with a genuine smile. When Cion was ready, he would begin walking. The two of them were as opposite as the sun and moon in regards to certain things, but like the sun and moon they watched over the world in their own ways.
[Exit]
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Post by Cion on Sept 29, 2019 16:28:16 GMT
Spending an entire existence appeasing others leading to complete physical and mental exhaustion? Yes... Cion certainly could write entire epics about this unfathomably harrowing subject. Her previous lives were of attachment, reliance and faith in those she cherished - heroes, family, friends.
Now, cast aside by the endeavors she had went through and the personal sacrifices she had made in vain, the vulpine sentinel felt as if she was incapable of recognizing her own reflection in a mirror. Her form, thoughts and feelings were nothing of who she once was. Or perhaps, without outside influence, for the first time she began to actually understand herself. Regardless of the truth, the anguish it imposed was boundless and seemingly perpetual.
And this road she had chosen to tread alone. What other option was there? It was nearly impossible for her to put trust into someone else's actions and impetus. This included warriors of good, common citizens and fiends alike. For a select few, like young Mr. Akiyama, she had formed expectations inside her mind, but she did not hope for nor rely on them being fulfilled. They were a delightful extra, but abdicable. They were not there to appease her and vice versa. The single person she focused on... was herself, and her unrivaled ambitions.
After all, why bother if they just left one day anyway?
Sighing and standing up alongside the lad, the silver fennec folded her arms, her firm gaze still lingering on the infinite, starlit horizon. In spite of her tiredness, it was courteous to pay attention to her partner for tonight nonetheless. She heard and understood him. She did not look at him, but nodded. Maybe her solitude was solely her doing, but what did bonds lead to but a painful departure? A healthy, professional distance was possibly the solution to her sorrow. Besides, there did not remain a lot for her to lose by attempting it.
"Oh darling, I tried. Though... I suppose I did not meet the right people yet." The restrained Arniomon replied calmly, finishing their conversation on a slightly optimistic note. In the end, there always lingered a flicker of hope that things changed for the better. She did not count on it, but neither was she so forsaken as to renounce it. She simply lived by facts, prospects and calculations... and of course her dreams. They were tangible, but out of reach nevertheless.
Although at least this night, there was something concrete for her to pursue "Splendid.". Glad that Toki had decided to oblige her second offer, she would slowly accompany him to the train station that brought him home. There was a smile on her lips for a few seconds, but composure and poise quickly dominated her outer shell again. "Thank you."
On their journey, she wondered if the boy had souls he could depend on. A father or mother, siblings, acquaintances? Who or whatever it was that granted him confidence despite his woes was evidently a potent force. ... Perhaps he was correct. She should discover another person, or object, that was willing to assist her - more so than the spirit-wielder had already done. Maybe individual acts of kindness sufficed to find such an entity?
Among others, those were essential ideas and sentiments to contemplate. They and their outcomes had the literal power to save or ruin a world.
[End]
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