Confession of the Abstained [Haru/Closed]

When it came to the aftermath of that dreadful day back in the Digital Core in Old Terminus, Haru and Tawna had been more... careful of what their paths in the Digital World. A near-death experience for both, it was fortunate that they had managed to escape with their lives as they did... If they had been just a bit unluckier, one or both would have perhaps not walked out of those catacombs alive.

It helped though for Haru that they were not alone... no, the fact that so many people were there to support her and Tawna during one of their darkest hours in the Digital World helped to keep her spirits up, even when they had been briefly shattered. She didn't remember the encounter specifically, but it had been a harsh reminder to her that this world was not all fun and games.

Perhaps the frequent trips to visit K have been paying off...? Beyond the almost disastrous first visit, each successive one had been increasingly more helpful to them as a whole... especially for Tawna. Through K's tutorage, Tawna went from going off primarily instinct in her Ultimate level to being able to reasonably wield its power without risking harm towards others... of course, all the while sharpening their battle skills. In a way, it's also helped Tawna... well, branch out socially. The feline had made vast leaps and bounds when it came to how they acted, going from nearly emotionless to being more just... quiet and reserved, but still capable of expressing her feelings. Hell, there was actually a time Haru heard Tawna crack a joke.

It was little things like this that made Haru all the more protective of their bond... and vice-versa.

---

Within the calm of night, after her tamer had since drifted to sleep, Tawna on the otherhand was delving into something that was perhaps unusual for her... meditation. Given, it wasn't to the extent of say K's Rookie form, for it was more a manner for the Meicrackmon Vicious Mode to collect and sort all of her individual thoughts and feelings... for they were numerous.

Tawna had not previously been the type to dwell on the past... but here she was letting her mind drift amid an ocean of memories.. She had forgotten just how old her data was, though she found it hard to even identify herself with the Tawna of countless years ago. That was not even Tawna... that was Raguelmon, a machine for angel Digimon's conquest. To think, she was even more uncaring and sociopathic then... She was not even identifiable as a person frankly.

Needless to say, it actually scared Tawna... cause much of these memories had been repressed, discarded for not being useful. Now though, she wasn't quite sure she could ignore them.

The Meicrackmon jolted slightly from her attempts at meditation, eyeing briefly her comatose tamer, whom was drooling a bit. Actually... kind of a cute sight if she had to say, though that wasn't her focus now.

She got up her spot (a small boulder she had decided to label as her personal spot while they were here), motioning the spherical feline familiars of hers forward to K... one briefly poking the fox.

"... Oy. K. I need to talk." the orange maine coone asked, briefly clawing at her right breast as her vision drifted slightly off to the side. This... this was a conversation she was only comfortable talking about with another Digimon... the irony of the situation very much did dawn on her due to her previous distrust of her own kind, but this was a conversation she NEEDED done.

Tawna gazed with her red schlera into the white fox Digimon's eyes. Despite their height difference in forms right now, Tawna had to relent that K had more experience than her in a lot of manners. Her own personal experience had a gap between her first death as Raguelmon, and her rebirth in recent times... though with how quickly she's been progressing evolutionary stages, who knew how long that would last though?

"Apologies for interrupting you K, but I did not wish to talk about this with Haru awake. A Digimon to a Digimon if you will." the Ultimate level calmly spoke, stretching her form briefly as her two tendrils extended outward and curled towards Tawna's front. "I... I trust Haru with many things, but I feel this is a subject we're a bit distant about."

As Tawna drew a bit closer to K, the look on her face became one that was mildly discomforted. She and Haru had... been having a couple of heated debates in regards to this subject, and while they had been avoiding bringing it up towards others now, it was something Tawna was still gravely unsure about. "K, how much do you personally know about loading other Digimon? I mean of course... absorbing all of their data." she spoke, their tone growing a bit dark.

She decided to just get it over with and show the white vixen... As the Meicrackmon took a brief inhale of air, she held out her hands... her hands morphing in shape into a writhing mess of red tentacles for a few seconds before coming back together into their normal shape. "... I think you can understand where I am getting at."

Tawna almost seemed to sigh in relief towards the Renamon's gentle, nurturing demeanor. There was something overall nice about K... they were a wise, open-minded, but caring figure in Tawna's eyes. Like the flow of water... calming, but certainly not powerless. No, they were anything BUT weak... and only recently did Tawna realize strength wasn't just the fortitude of your form. "I suppose. Haru and my's relationship has always been mildly strained at times because of our differences human and Digimon... but it has to be a strong one relative to the time we've known eachother. Even if you've never had the experience of being a tamer's Digimon, I'm sure you understand what it may feel like... to have someone to love and care for." Tawna briefly spoke, though cracked a slight smile at her sleeping tamer.

Haru has done so much to mend her cracked heart... and she was to be forever thankful for that.

On one hand, Tawna was not surprised K had at least... some experience with the subject, though she had never considered the Digicores of Jesmon and Examon were slowly being assimilated fully. There was that other errant core... but hopefully time would resolve that debacle. Still, Tawna was mildly relieved that as an individual she wasn't completely an outlier. She remembered the judgemental stares of her Digimon peers back in the hospital... an image that mildly discomforted her.

Perhaps her angelic peers long ago had good reason to throw her out... perhaps?

"Truth be told, I would be lying if I said I were shy to the subject. In the past, I most certainly loaded other Digimon..
though always the result of life-or-death situations. I see some Digimon see it as a taboo today, but things were different back then... In the end while some may deny it, this world was founded upon the rules of survival of the fittest. Not to say we should all be savage beasts, but its not a concept that honestly I fear..." Tawna spoke, though did wince slightly as K grasped their hand. "... Perhaps though I indulge on it with a fervor comparable to that of a beast though."

Indeed... she may have went overboard back in Old Terminus. The rush of battle and sadism overcame her senses briefly, a manner from which she was mildly thankful her tamer did not witness. She took a deep breath to calm hee thoughts before gazing back at K. "You may have heard that we ran into... complications at Old Terminus. A Digimon called Arkadimon attacked us and wounded Haru. She was to be his twentieth human victim... yes, there were nineteen before. I have to witness their deaths as I gaze into this creature's memories." she spoke, a bit of mild disgust even talking about her prior foe. "I do not hold the least bit of sympathy towards cutting off their cycle of rebirth. That cycle is a gift, not a right... and as something that callously devoured the innocent, this is only what I would call justice."

If there was one thing that creature taught her... it was that finality was a horrific concept. Digimon could have many lives. Humans...? Only one.

Love was an odd feeling, and not one Tawna was still used to. The past did not call for feelings like that, and she was still not completely sure everything it entailed... but her love for Haru felt good. "... It's a new experience for me. In the centuries I've roamed this world, never have I been able to call someone... a friend. Maybe more than that?" The Ultimate gazed down, a bit insightful as her Mini-Meis seemed to flock to her. "It... it just wasn't my protocol."

In a way, she seemed to be mildly relieved that K shared her views with battle. No matter how peaceful one may be in ideals, all Digimon are destined to be drawn towards battle one way or another. "While some deny their ancestry, it is foolish to believe fighting should be ignored completely. There will always be a time where one must fight, and it's not morals that decide an outcome... its your inner and physical strength that ultimately decide the victor, good or evil." she solemnly spoke, closing her eyes briefly. It was not a fair rule, but it was the law of the land, and one she stood by. "I'd be lying if I said I ultimately use my power for goodness sake. I am selfish in that I use it for Haru's sake first and foremost... However, Haru... She is a good person. Better than me. I just fear that ultimately, that good spirit of hers may put herself at risk one day."

K certainly was the type to drop hard questions, which was not a bad thing perse... Tawna was used to the darker side of life, and talking about it wasn't as difficult as actually committing to something. However, she was not unaware that she may have overstep the boundaries of good taste with her brutality towards Arkadimon. "I will not deny that I was overcome with a terrible vigor back there, one that I've not experienced in a long time... I will say outright, the moment they attacked Haru, their fate was sealed. If one attacks with intent to kill, they best fight back as if their life depends on it... as it will involving me." she somewhat coldly spoke, a bit of bitterness in her voice. While that would be a simple process were she alone, Haru had a very different point of view overall. She still remembered Haru's reaction to the killing... it was perhaps the first time Haru genuinely was angry at her. "Haru dislikes however my... willingness to kill. She tells me I should have spared Arkadimon's data, but would the risk have really warranted that? He could have simply went back to picking out weak tamers or spirit wielders, or worse... seek out revenge. Call it selfish, but one vermin's life for Haru's safety from that bastard to me is a fair trade."

She believed deep down what she did was right... Haru just had room to learn still.

"Haru's utmost safety is my top priority. I'd commit that same sin over, and over again to keep her safe... Believe me when I say this as this is not something I'd take lightly, but I would find against our own friends with that same cruel edge were they to oppose us in that same manner. That is the length I am willing to go." the Meicrackmon solemnly spoke, her voice dropping a bit, an urgent sense of seriousness in their tone. Not an easy thing to say, even for Tawna... who only now was grasping this concept of friendship. Of course, this was not the only hurdle in regards to keeping up that promise. In a way, Tawna worried that she would be in the end the greatest threat to Haru. "Another question, K... I understand there was... a war. A war between angels and demon Digimon long ago. How much do you remember from that war?"

Tawna almost cracked a smirk at K's compliment towards her in regards to being wise. She didn't feel wise... she just followed her heart, something she held in common with Haru actually. She wasn't the knowledgeable type, so it was funny to her to be called wise. "Funny as there's several things I still struggle with. Did you know I struggle with Digimoji? I barely can read our own language, let alone others." she casually commented, a small smile as she glanced at Haru's sleeping form with a gentle stare. "Journeying with Haru has expanded my horizons over time, more than I ever thought possible... and for that, I am forever in her debt."

In a way, she wasn't surprised Haru completely differed from her in ideals. They were both raised extremely differently, not to mention the physical and mental differences of Digimon and humanity. Humans were very adaptable creatures, but they seemed to suffer sometimes from a weakness in spirit. "I blame humanity's familiarity with mortality. Death is something that is feared, for it is a sort of unknown. It's funny, for while I fear Haru's own death... I am not fazed by the thought of my own. It's like you said; we have the potential for many lives, but humans have only one." she commented, her smile waning briefly. It was funny that someone who used to be so used to the concept of death was finally fearing it, and not even for their own sake... She supposed that was what people called irony.

The Meicrackmon Vicious Mode closed her eyes briefly as she was implored by K to showcase her vigor... Yes, she knew what that vigor was. She had once demonstrated it briefly against K, back with her first initial Digivolution to Ultimate level this life... however, not all of it was even her own strength. Even now, she felt as if... it was in a way Haru's love for her that allowed her to carry these forms. "... There is no way I could do it alone. For now, it's fueled by the desire to grow stronger and protect Haru... I used to be solitary, but I could do none of this without Haru's help. She does far more for me than she even realizes... Hell, were it not for some well-timed card usage, I would have likely perished in my fight with Arkadimon back in Old Terminus." she spoke, letting out a sigh as she exhaled a bit of air. Oddly, the conversation was mildly stressing her out... but they couldn't stop here. She had so much to actually talk about still...

The feline quietly listened to K's personal recollection of the past, mildly astounded how they were able to recall some of this information... even if probably not all of it was happy. "... I see. Apologies if I am opening old wounds... to be frank, I wish these old memories were not re-arising for myself. There's a saying along the lines of ignorance is bliss? I debate whether or not I would be better off not remembering my own past." she spoke, cracking her knuckles to herself idly. These memories would have not bothered her back then, but they certainly did now.

"Personally I belonged to a one particular sect of angel Digimon... identifiably of the extremist type. The stereotype of angelic Digimon who relentless seek to purge demonic or Virus Digimon for the sake of some flawed mentality they refer to as justice. Sure, you have your civilian-esque individuals, who play and sings hymns to greater beings than us... but than you have the soldiers. Raised from the egg to be little more but relentless, emotionless machines dedicated to the pursuit of law and the destruction of our foes." she began to ramble, attempting to relay as much from her mind as possible. Some of her memories were foggy, but some were vivid... oh so vivid. The flaying still had echoes of phantom pain even just thinking about it. She took a deep breath to calm her nerves as she soon continued. "I was among such nameless soldiers... specifically, my role was to destroy any being that would be deemed traitorous to our ideals. The training was arduous as it was cruel, and as soon as I reached Mega level, I was christened Raguelmon."

That name... it was not a persona of hers that she was proud of. Raguelmon was a very special form of brutal, and some of that brutality came back briefly against Arkadimon. Frankly, she truly did not deserve to come back with how many she had killed personally back then. "I will not hide that I'm guilty of sins following that regiment... Sure, I've never killed humans, but it does not justify the pointless slaughter."

"Human languages primarily I have difficulty... I've tried reading some of Haru's mayn-ga, but I cannot read of the dialogue." she briefly quipped, a slightly innocent look to the Ultimate level's eyes. She didn't understand why Haru liked them... but she supposed there was something about that was probably entertaining. "I like the pictures though."

The Meicrackmon's ears twitched slightly in interest at K's words, curious of the compliment. Still, the way the white vixen eloquently spoke to them... it did make Tawna feel a bit more comfortable with her situation. "... Maybe we don't get along perfectly, but I know for a fact that... we were meant to be together." she softly spoke... a sharp contrast from the deadpan attitude she had prior in the past.

... She was better than who she was.

Tawna shut her eyes, briefly nodding to herself towards K's wise words. Maybe... maybe it was for the best she stopped looking into the past. The person she was then was far different than who she was now... and wasn't that what mattered in the end? She had to move forward... for both her own sake, but Haru's as well.

As the Meicrackmon was lost in thought, she flinched as she felt her form wrapped around by K's arms... something that took her by surprise. Considering the height difference, she was forced to tilt her head down... but she couldn't help but smile in return, she wrapping her tendrils around K as she returned the hug back.

The only person she had personally ever hugged was Haru... so K was a lucky girl in that regard.

"... Thank you K. I... I shouldn't let myself drown in these fears. If I am to be Haru's partner, I have to overcome these doubts." she gently spoke, giving the Renamon a pat on the back before retreating back slightly, her mood a bit improved. "... I ask this because... It may be time. Time to see if Haru and I can put our bond to the test... That is the catalyst to Digivolution between tamers and their partners, correct?"

Tawna lightly nodded her head towards the white fox's gentle concern, feeling a bit of warmth from the Renamon. Rare for her as she used to be so... hostile towards other Digimon. In a way, it wasn't just a moment between say a teacher and student, but one between two people. Friends even...? Regardless, the Meicrackmon cracked a slight smile. "I appreciate that K... This isn't easy for me, nor is it for Haru I feel... but we'll eventually work this out. I know we can." she thanked the Rookie level, closing her eyes as she grew quiet. "I think the reason she was so horrified of what I did was is because she sees a little bit of herself in me... I'm not sure how much of that is valid, but I do not want for her to worry..."

Haru was human... she needed to focus on doing human things. It was best to leave things relating to Digimon to her. Still, they held a sort of innocent purity that Tawna wanted to protect. In a way, Haru was way like a gentle flower... short-lived, but beautiful. "Haru is a good person, but I cannot gurantee I will be able to hold back the desire to kill if we were forced to face another dangerous enemy. I've changed in many ways, but I'm a warrior at heart... she doesn't know what it is like to be on the battlefield... and I want to protect that innocence in her heart as long as possible."

Perhaps she was being a bit too gung-ho about this now that she thought about it. Were she a younger, less wise individual, she'd have thrown herself and Haru into danger without abandon... but not now. "Not immediately. She needs sleep. She's very fragile as of lately and I worry that she may be pushing herself too hard..." she softly corrected herself, briefly scratching her chin. As much as she desired strength, she realized it was a two-man job between her and Haru. "Mega level may be too much for her to handle. If I were to borrow more strength from her as is, her prior injuries might reopen... and I cannot allow that."

To think... something so fragile is the key to her own strength. Funny how fate works these days?